Walking Toward The Desert

My current point in process:
I am currently hacking away at trying to read about our Desert Fathers and Mothers that started alternative communities out in the desert during the time of Constantine and Augustine.  They valued contemplation, meditation on scripture.  They believed in God's revelation through quietness and life circumstance and nature in addition to scripture.  (Now if we could add musical worship...and growing good organic food instead of eating just bread and water....I'd be IN!!  :)  They looked for the Lord in all things and listened a lot.  The term for  the practice of these values today seems to be a part of something called "Christian Mysticism".  The connotation of that term is a little confusing to me.  It does conjure the ideas of yellow brick roads and fairies and unicorns.  Those things are actually not a part of CM at all...Maybe I'll get why that term pertains someday.
I kind of feel like my husband and I may be heading into some kind of proverbial "desert" experience of our own.  Maybe that's what were in presently. I would LOVE to start over in my connection to other Christians and be a catalyst of some sort..an encourager in this kind of society...whatever this looks like .  It could happen in living in a sort of modern commune, or even just doing worship out of home while holding down "normal" jobs.  maybe even stuff like using  the art process in corporate meditation somehow...just something different than the church time i have known.  I'm so bored. Not with God, with church time.  ( However, I must add, for those who are not bored and find true encounters with the Lord and his truth and other people, I respect and  rejoice in the rich experiences they are having.  I would NEVER want to get in the way of that or poo poo it.  This letter is for the discontent or the shipwrecked.)

 I used to "teach" Bible Studies and influence young people.  I feel held out from that ability these days.  I feel like I cannot honestly step into that role until I understand scripture better in this less literal light were learning about.  Conversations with my husband and pod casts of others that know a little more about this perspective are helpful and encouraging to me.  However, listening to God as he speaks through nature, through normal life circumstances and in quiet or in song, waiting in order to connect with the Holy Spirit/Jesus my friend and lover of soul, meditating on truth about Him by scripture...this is where I want to thrive.  This is where i would love to help others thrive as well.
For those who are discontent with church times or "losing their faith" even:
Unfortunately, so many of us need some reconditioning to break out of our current reinforced church mindset, out of the understanding that if we read the Bible as is, that we can assume we automatically understand the Word of God. As of now, I feel very shaky about being equipped to be one of those leaders to help "turn the ship around" (change what is accepted in and how we execute mainstream church)...or to even know how to facilitate a space to perpetuate those who already want to come along this path.
I still believe the Bible is very important.  I will always believe that Jesus is the only way to God the Father and part of God. And that he died and rose again and lives/thrives today. (The Bible is where we learned this!) I believe he has plans for us as individuals and that those plans are incorporated like pixels into a bigger picture.  I do believe that the teaching of "inerrancy of all scripture" ,as in literal every word for word, has robbed us of the perspective that makes the Bible so rich and whole.  Not to mention a faith that only makes partial sense.  For instance, we have been taught that the words, perspectives and rules the apostles were inerrant,right?  But some of them that were for freedom in their time/place have become a little oppressive in ours.  (Weather it be because of Reformation based translations or because mankind has changed).  But Jesus valued women, and "sinners" ...the lesser.  He submitted to the current religious systems of the time (he was a rabbi) but fully put religious leaders in their place as they used scripture to perpetuate what made them look important and gave them more control.  God has not changed...therefore what we read literally under our North American NIV subchapter captions like: "Rules for Holy Worship" or who gets to be in leadership in a church or the end times table in book of Revelation (??) , or even old testament practices...etc...these kind of specifics can distract us from the meaning of the rich storyline of the text.  Instead, we look to them to know how to act, and how to expect/ enforce other Christians to act regardless of the historical setting or circumstance, connection to other parts of the Bible that perpetuated such writings.  Who knows how to do that wisely and thoroughly??  Even though I'm grateful to people like Luther for getting the Bible into our hands, I understand why the early Christians initially wanted to have a priest to do this for them.  It's quite a responsibility.
Anyhow, back to church-times: There's GOT to be a better way of pleasing the Spirit more or at least grieving her less than assuming we can know how to be so definitively theologically "correct".  There's got to be a way to respect those we disagree with in humility of consideration instead of feeling threatened.   There's got to be a way to gather together more organically and equally with less stage separation less amplification, more good old intimacy and connection...That's why I'm looking into the practices of some of the first people who felt this way and tried a different form of knowing and loving the same God.
I still hope and yearn to FOLLOW the Spirit.  I hope and yearn to KNOW God more.  I hope and yearn to hear from Jesus more.  I hope and yearn to actually feel connected and act connected to The Body of Christ and the people of the world (and to see it all as the whole it is and not see it as compartmental in my dualistic and maverick tendency) I do not value separatism and quietism for more than a time...although that's what my life currently looks like.
Perhaps as I let God heal me in this wonderful ad excruciating quietness I will happen upon these very hopes.
For now, I keep meeting for church times in the mainstream way in order to support my Pastor husband who is struggling  with the same thing but with much more weight as our source of income. In spite of my own hypocrisy,  I will continue search for God on Sundays with these particularly lovely people who are a part of this church body.  I will keep on for a time.  Meanwhile, I "will pray that our unity that may one day be restored."

Narcolamentcy

I lay
I lay
My drowsy state
Takes my stance
Down to the floor
In an awkward dance

The ironic pose
Floor to nose
In a humble bow
Works it's way
To here an now

I eat to stay awake
I sleep to stay awake
I time my life  to acomodate
The mandate
Of my grueling master
Purveying choices as to a child
Taming any hope gone wild
My joints follow suit
In a stiffening jaunt
As the carefree taunt
With their unbelief
Of my reason for grief
I'm buried  a foot deeper by unbelief
Because all they see is the in between
But this routine
Is nothing new
But before I had the Ocean Blue
And a weekly song
And a walk to anywhere
To cure a wrong
And my purpose known
My babies home
Also a network of consideration
Like a pension
From when our lives were worthy of mention
But with one fail swoop it's washed away
And I was the one to leave
And now to my lonely floor I cleave
God what is left for me?
Where do I find new sight for my blind?
Will I ever be restored or reimbursed
Or reunited to what was first?
Self centered hopes, I know
But this old heart yearns to grow
Some good sprout of hope
From the dead ends of my rope
I believe in possibilities
Made by you
Even beyond my age or abilities
Or things that I  "could do"
But if it is up to me alone to find
Or hope for something new
Or to me to be amazing
At "Life: part 2"
I know me from history
And in my trajectory
As decline turns to decay
I'll lay
I'll lay

High Tide

The winds of change blow all the time
But I see elevens and lift my eyes
I know the sign
Maybe a break in my timeline
I may forsake my own rhyme
I may run out beyond my prime
My dream was catastrophic
But I'm a dreamer not a prophet
Blinded by my puzzle piece
I yearn to cease
Or will you thrive as I decrease?
This life has spent it livity
And I'm running out of creativity
My heart has sprung another leak
My joints are weak
Future bleak
But He is strong
Maybe He'll take over this song
Or maybe I'm wrong
I long
I long
Of sacrifice I'm supposed to reap
But I struggle to love what I can keep
And all I love I must let go
And so
My longevity I blow
In a hermit's domain
Eating my pain
How disgusted
The balls I've busted
The dream I've lusted
The tears are crusted
Is there something good ahead?
Or is hope for that as good as dead?