The writings of Paul (in the Bible) used to make me feel secure in Grace. I felt the rules he set out for church behavior and for Christian living were obtainable and very clear. I loved how protected they made me feel and how they defined my requirements.
Now many of them get under my skin. Or rather, our lame interpretation of them or even the fact that they're in there. (the Bible)
The same people who say, "You can't pick and choose what scripture to obey. It's all God's rule." are frankly not wearing head coverings to church. Most of "them" would call that "cultural". God seem to put up with polygamy just fine in those days. What if it were cultural for wives to have a couple of husbands? Then what? I tire from this strain as I write. these are just a couple of sloppy examples off the top of my head.
Don't get me wrong. God never changes. But His kids sure do.
So the unraveling continues. Actually these are not new considerations to me. But they are still under my skin a bit as I wrestle through.
"The Bible is not a rule book but a love story." - Tripp Fuller. That's so freeing and makes sense. But my convoluted conscious cannot presently make complete peace with the not "doing what the Bible says" or seems to say about things like:
Homosexuality (treated like second class citizens in the Church. Rules on where they can and can't minister)
Deacons wives have to be liked/respected in the Church. (Respected by who in the church? K. Well, Jon's out then. Better go teach guitar lessons.)
Woman in Church leadership. (pretty sure Paul's view was specific to a situation at hand but it's in there)
Church discipline: (since when is SEEN sin worse than the sin dealt with privately. I'm pretty sure there is not a clean hand in the bunch. Why should there be allowed a scapegoat highlighted as an example to all future transgressors? They submit to the deacons in the church- who are also sinful men. Isn't that what Jesus did for us?? (in His innocence) Did that not cover the scapegoat too?)
The church that worships God well but enforces these "rules" seems increasingly icky to me.
The church (in my small scope of experience) that acknowledges these wrinkles doesn't seem to also know how to worship God in "Spirit" (unrelenting passion in song and even operating in the supernatural gifts of the Spirit when time comes for that) BTW if you know of one, I want to go to there!
I know we are not alone in these ideas. I have read some really amazing books by some really amazing people of God who feel like this....who are sure of less and less but Jesus.
Both in my past understanding and in my present I know I am missing something important.
Hopefully one day I will get it. Hopefully, someday, I will have a link between it all. I am in process and in no way do I consider myself an authority on all this.
That is my mind. Here is my heart:
I am a Pastor's wife, a mother, a worship leader, an art facilitator hoping to bring glory to God. Hoping to bring some part of the existing love of Christ to people around as well as enjoy it and be changed by it myself. I believe He is the Lover of our souls and that this is a passionate thing. I believe that Jesus is the only way to God. I believe that he is our healer and that this can take place in a myriad of ways. I believe true joy lies in connecting with Him and I want everyone to experience that. I believe He is Truth and I will spend my dieing breath trying to determine what He is saying in this written word.
These are the things I believe for sure. These are the things that spring up within me and overflow.
I will not ignore the wrinkle. I am not afraid of it anymore. Admittedly, I am a little afraid of what some of you all think of me in this struggle. But not enough to keep silent for the sake of someone else in the "shipwreck" that may read this presently or in the future that could find hope or comfort to press on in spite of it all.
